The 4th Wall Demolition Man.

1.) Evil is easy to comprehend and accept.  Stupidity is the equivalent of clubbing a baby seal with a dead baby dipped in Helen Keller’s blood.

2.) An addiction to WoW is only a problem while your online.  Which is always.

3.) Customers will always be wrong as long as you work customer service.

4.) Binge drinking is not a problem, as long as it is done in moderation.

5.) Alien vs. Predator vs. Jesus would be a movie I would watch.

6.) Every ruke in Zombieland can be applied to surving in real life.

7.) Telling a smoker that smoking kills is the esaiest way to get them to attempt to kill you.

8.) First impressions dont matter.  People lie and they never change so just don’t trust them.

9.) Murphy was wrong because if he was correct, that would be a contradiction of his entire law.

10.) Everyones perception is different, and when compared to your own, wrong.

Competition is what makes us human.  And not just competing for survival or rights.  We compete for the sake of competing.  We all seek to be better than someone.  Even when we try to just be good, we still have to be better at being good than others (see Religion).  Now most people, and I use the term generously, are able to live in harmony, accepting each side for what they offer and finding a place for all in the big ol’ blue. 

And when this shit happens it is up to people like me to arm the differing sides, push them into the cage, and start taking bets.

I would like to start off by saying that I have read both series in their entirety, including even some rereads.  I will also be as fair and as balanced as I can be in this review.  The best way to achieve these results is a steel cage match death match style. And by that I mean of course focusing on a differing aspect of a story piece by piece to really break this all down.  I will also compare the movie adaptations as a whole.  So without further ado, let the death match begin.

Setting:
                Hogwarts.
                Forks, Washington.
                Hogwarts.
                Forks, Washington.

I am really not sure if there is a point to go on.  A boring ass city in a boring ass state that leads the nation in shitty weather and bestiality vs. a magical castle complete with moving stairs, talking pictures, ghosts, and weather jumbo-tron that is the roof of the damn dining hall.  But wait Forks also has a Native American Reservation. 

*cough*

So a selling point of the setting is what remains of one of the most depressing points of American history where we decided to butt fuck a whole bunch of people who were doing nothing but trying to protect their way of life and land? Sweet.  If that doesn’t have best seller written all over it than I don’t know what does.  I would like to give the Twilight series some points for breaking stereotypes with the juxtaposition of a glamorous life style against a boring back drop.  I would like to, but I can’t considering Charlaine Harris and The Southern Vampire Mysteries series beat them to it.  Even if Hogwarts wasn’t awesome, Potter would still get the points based on originality and the lack of depression.

Harry Potter: 1
Twilight: 0

Characters:

At first glance this is kind of an even match up.  Both stories have unique sets of characters that play well off of each other, make you want to know more about them, and even handle the characters you are supposed to hate effectively.  I could easily confess a secret love to the story of the meeting of Alice and Jasper.   I could, but I won’t.  Even though the character selection is fairly even, the point goes to the Potter series.  Why you ask?  One word: Arc.  A character is just like a story.  We love them for a reason, but they have to walk the precarious line between never changing and never staying the same.  The main protagonists, Bella and Harry, have interesting arcs.  Harry starts out as a nervous and awe-struck boy that has a new life opening up before him.  From there we get t see him become a potential villain only taking refuge in the loyalty of his friends  and knowledge of his own innocence to brooding, moody  emo nut job to stalwart hero that knows he can’t save the day.  He just wants to save the ones he loves.  Normally we’d expect this kind of character to feel schizophrenic, shallow and thinly spread.  But the story makes the transition not only believable, but needed.  Come the fifth book, considering his attempted murder count was somewhere around 7 or 8 with no good explanation, we would expect anyone to start cracking up.  The character evolves with the story, both in believable senses. 

Now we move to Bella.  Well skip to the part where she learns about vampires (though I could easily do some crucifixion with blunt nails shaped like penises for that story line…).  She pines for Edward, does some random pigeon-holing to the plot, attempts to die, fails, moves on to next story.  CTRL+C, CTRL-V, boom, three more books are done.  You think there would at least be some anger about her boyfriend always being able to make her horny, not pleasure her, and then bring home some new form of life threatening danger.  If I was a woman and my man brought home more death threats than orgasms, there would be some serious issues in the house hold.  Jacob has a good arc and the wolves evolve a bit, but considering the fact that everyone else in the cast forgot that they weren’t robots, it is not enough to raise a candle to the Potter casts’ shining star.

Harry Potter: 2
                Twilight: 0

Plot:

Coming out of the gate Twilight immediately trips and chips a tooth on indecision.  It seems the story can’t decide if it is going to be romance or adventure, or horror.  And while you could argue that it is all, anything that tries to be all, fails.  Potter gets a leg up from the fact that it knows that its story is not half and half, but rather fantasy adventure with a splash of the others in each different book.  The Sorcerer’s Stone is innocent adventure, The Chamber of Secrets is horror adventure (or as close to it as a kid friendly series could ever get.  Though the roosters would probably like to argue that painting messages in their blood wasn’t exactly on the last episode of Barney…), The Prisoner of Azkaban evolves into suspense adventure and so on and so forth.  The series understands that each one needs a slightly different tone.  Not only that, it picks a tone and then sticks with it for one book.  Had it started jumping around it would have gotten hectic and confusing.  It keeps you, dear reader, interested.  If all the books would have had the same tone about love, danger, and obvious plot twists, then it would have made the books not interesting but rather bland. 

*looks over at Twilight*

Well, this just got awkward…

Harry Potter: 3
                Twilight: 0

Exposition:

Something a video game is often guilty of is spoon feeding you the intro scene, making you sit through bland unskippable bull shit to learn things you don’t really care about.  However, in a video game, the whole point is to play the damn game.  In a story we need something even if it is just a tidbit here or a quip there.  The last thing you need is to not know what is going on or to be handed a fucking glossary just so you can understand what in the hell is going on.  Backgrounds make things more interesting, and more specifically, they make characters more loveable or at least more relatable.  The shear amount that Potter gets woven into it as both a past and present device is staggering.  Every book handles seamlessly the old and the new, using it to build a story and helping it unfold.  Most amazingly it is all done without being inaccessible or a blatant framing device. 

This category is the one Twilight contends strongest in.  I have already made a reference to a potential confession about Alice and Jasper (though it is still not going to happen).  However, if you take all the background out of the Twilight stories you could still make it through, though it would be slightly confusing.  The exposition helps you understand the characters motivation at points, but has no real bearing on the story.  If you removed the background from Potter, it would be impossible to make it through any of them past the first. 

Lastly, Potter only reveals what is necessary to understand immediately what is going on.  Three chapters before the end of the damn SERIES you finally are given all of Snape’s motivation, without the character seeming lacking at any point in the story.  That alone awards points for Potter

Harry Potter: 4
Twilight:  0

Conflict:

The conflict.  We have on one hand the conflict of how a boy wizard learns to grown up, be a man, trust in friends, love, sympathize with enemies, wrestle with his emotions, date his best friends sister (any who has ever attempted this will know what one HELL of a conflict it actually is.  And Ron took it very well for the record…), and stand against the forces of evil to combat their tide of darkness.

Bella wonders how to not die, get her man back, not die again, not die a third time, get fucked, give birth, and then not die. Again. For a fourth. Fucking. Time. I am sensing a recurring theme.  Honestly her hardest conflict is the birth part, something that millions of women pull off every day.  Granted her baby was a half blooded demon spawn.  With the worst name ever.   No contest.

Harry Potter: 5
                Twilight: 0

Climax:

…the doors to the kitchens blasted off their hinges.  House elves started swarming the hall, waving cleavers and kitchen knives, their little faces alive with malice.  At the head of the group, locket bouncing on his chest, Kreacher’s voice croaked above the din.
                “FIGHT! Fight for Master Harry! Fight for Master Regalus!”

Even out of context, this passage is capable of bringing a smile to one’s face.  Even without knowing what is happening, you know that shit is about to go down.  Hard.  And this is not even the main climax.  The Potter series has the ability to not just make a thrilling and climatic ending, but it is written in such a way that it is not just fun to read, it paints a picture in your mind so vividly that it unfolds in your minds’ eye. 

The ultimate climax of the Twilight, when the gang is all assembled and facing down the Voltuir, while supposed to be the penultimate sense of apprehension about what is going to happen next, is ruined by the characters themselves.  And how dare they.  How dare the characters plot to ruin a story when perfectly bad writing will pull that off?  Alice shows up to a chorus of a revamped Brady Bunch chant.  Inside Bella’s head.  Who then calmly explains why they should be allowed to walk away unharmed.  And what happens? They do!  How in the hell can you have a thrilling and climatic when literally nothing thrilling and climatic happens.  Alice shows up.  The situation is clearly explained.  Everyone goes their separate ways.  The most thrilling part was when the wolves show up.  Because at least you think alright we just threw 15 or so gigantic pissed off wolves into the fray, shit is going to get real.  But no, no such luck.  This would be like King Kong breaking out of his chains then clearly explaining to the crowd why he would like to find his love and then discuss with her plans for the future.  That movie would not have been a classic.  It would have sucked.  Even if Twilight had won this round, this kick in the balls would have stripped the point from it and sent it out of the game so fast it would have put a Soccer ref to shame.   

Harry Potter: 6
                Twilight: 0

Resolution:

Hand in hand with the terrible climax, is usually a terrible resolution.  In Twilight we are told nothing about what happens with the baby, the wolves, or the rest of the family.  All we know post let down battle is that Edward gets in Bella’s head.  Then they fuck.  Wee.  People die in Potter, we see how things are going to change, and then we get the final chapter of how everything is different and how things worked out for the main group of antagonists.  AKA we actually get a fucking resolution.  Nothing changes in Twilight from prior to the climax, to post climax.  Except now, there are no longer any death threats on the horizon for Bella.  Thank god for that.  I was starting to get mental carpal tunnel form how often it happened.   

Harry Potter: 7
                Twilight: 0

Now the first thing I now most people are going to say.

“How was this remotely fair and balanced?”

The first thing I am going to say is:

“What are the odds that Potter ends up with SEVEN points? One for each year.  Further proof of its obvious superiority.”

                First off, you should have asked what I meant by fair and balanced.  By fair I meant a fair bit of criticism for one of the involved parties and by balanced I meant a balanced amount of kicks in the balls to kicks in the face.  Though admittedly, I really tried to go at this with a balanced opinion.  It was not my own personal beliefs, but rather my interpretations of the story that screwed Twilight.  When I really got into the nitty gritty, I realized how it stacks up against an immensely superior series.  Did it work out for Stephanie Meyer?  Yeah.  She is currently making more money than god, and for the most it is a widely loved novel, but there will always be resistance.   I have never been against the series as a whole, because I have never bothered taking it seriously.  It made her rich, and it got kids to read.  Is it evil for that?  No not at all.  What it is evil for is its openness about ripping off Pride & Prejudice, Romeo & Juliet, Wuthering Heights, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream respectively for each one of its stories.  There should be some type of law against this type of ‘artistic license’ and for breaking it, the series should be punished. 

                Hopefully it will be one of those old school laws. 

                The kind where you tie them to a tree before you whip them. 

Storms brew the same way they always have.  Clouds in the distance.  Rumbles in the distance.  Thunder claps too far off to be recognized as the growls of Satan’s stomach that they truly are.  We get to watch them coming, bracing ourselves against the impending doom.

Will this be front that finally washes us away, or will we whether such things as we always have?

We all know how we have survived in the past.  Some of us run.  Others try to hide.  The foolish of us stand in the way, determined to not be daunted by fear or threat of pain.  We get to watch devastation sweep around us.  Washing friends away in a wake that we know we can neither change nor save them from.

But the storm is changing…

No longer is it a harmless, endless tide that slays the innocent and drives the hardened to vice.

Determination, desire, and couth are being replaced by zeal, avarice, and a lack of all care.  They say there is no greater army than that which a holy cause.  Amount their failure to judgment, and they will travel to the ends of the earth.  Make them fear punishment more than death and they will never stop. 

And which one of us does not fear failure come Christmas morning?  Who among us can claim no qualms for gifts that do not meet expectations?

This fear, this motivation, it will be the doom of us all. 

Who would have thought we would witness the beginning of the end?

And who would have guessed we can buy it in a store and that it was on one HELL of a deal Black Friday morning.

Before we examine the coming apocalypse, allow us to digress

Make no mistakes, dear readers; I love Christmas.  I love giving gifts.  I love the hype of the season and the unwrapping that wraps ones’ with joy face.  However, I do not enjoy the wrong moments.  Is it the giving that is true meaning of Christmas? In short: Yes.  In long: Why of course the giving is the true meaning of the spirit Christmas.  But, my friends, do you mistake my words? I am sure someone is already thinking of a witty, cutting retort to squash my ideas. 

‘…Of course it is not about the giving.  It is the holiday spirit.  The time spent with others.  The love and brotherhood that the season so eloquently embodies in the cold, dead of winter.’   

You are right, dear ones, who say these things.  But these are feelings that do not magically appear with the passing of the turkey and stuffing.  They exist always.  The giving is a slightly more dubious affair, always misundestood.  Am I not giving the holiday spirit? Am I not wrapping my time and love for my family and friends and presenting it to them amid a flurry of songs and demands forced by the media and social consciousness. 

‘But how can you bastardize such wonderful things as time and love?  How can you sit back with a smile on your face and a song in your heart when you are taking something beautiful and allowing it to be so… commercial…’

Well for starters, when the hell else can I pull off so massive a gift giving binge and not generate suspicion from my fellow man?  We are told to not look a gift horse in the mouth, but at the same time we are all REALLY quick to eye up the van with Free Candy scratched into the side.  The holiday season allows me to give to my hearts’ content, and not generate any feelings of guilt in others to reciprocate the physical.  To learn what someone loves and what drives them; their desires, hopes, and ambitions in the physical realm and helping them in any and all ways I can, that is the true value of the season. 

But the storm…

Obviously, with so much focus being on the giving, whether it is for the right or the wrong reasons, we are all still being drug into this holiday.  For many years I have served in the armies of retail.  I have sold food, clothing, jewelry, alcohol, and everything in between.  I have stood stalwart against the tide of destruction and demand that a horde of savage customers will bring to a store. 

And with this tide, I have watched the Holy War begin. 

It started with an idea.  Was the idea corrupt? Not at all.  It was the American Way, neigh the Dream.  To make money, you need customers.  To get customers you get product. But anyone can sell the product.  So how do we make people want to buy OUR product? We sell it the best.  Now I have no issue with customer service for the sake for customer service.  To be honest I admire it.  I have always tried to be the best for anyone who asks of my assistance, for I would enjoy the same type of treatment.  However it has caused a mutation in the minds and hearts of those affected.  What started out as simple service for the sake of better business, became a plague.  Sweeping the land to destroy and warp what little sense is left.

Though you would never guess form the previous paragraph that I do not place the weight of the blame on corporations.

It is on you.

Yes, you.

The Customer.

You who have taken a privilege and turned it into a demand.  Who have taken an idea and twisted it into requirement.  You who have taken this initiative and hung, drawn, and quartered it to suit your design. 

Are the corporations blameless?  No.  Absolutely not. They told you that you are special.  They told you that you are right.  They lied.  Are they paying the price for this now?  Yes they are. We all reap what we have sown.  But really? You all took those words to heart this intensely?   Some have said the comparison to a holy war might be a little intense and misleading, but clearly they have never seen the crusader like fervor that is instilled in people when they are fighting over a clearance item or, god forbid, when they are trying to make a return.  You no longer care about policy.  You no longer care about procedure.  You know we will do whatever it takes to please you.  All you have to do is complain.  So complain you shall.  After all it is easier than taking responsibility.  It is easier than having respect for yourself, your fellow man, and for the job that you do. 

And all it will do is get worse.  You don’t have to take responsibility for your shopping, because the corporations are willing to give in.  How long before this disease spreads.  How long before students no longer take responsibility for their poor performance? How long before politicians no longer fear consequence? What will it take to stop this onslaught of terror?

The answer is simple.  Nothing can stop it.  When one steps down, and refuses to no longer give in to the bleating of the simple sheep, someone will shove them out of the way. They will step in to scoop up the next shiny penny at the bottom of the well that is the collective of the intelligence of humanity.  A well that is fast running dry. 

And for this, humanity is doomed.  The young become indoctrinated in ways greed and stupidity.  They will not be taught values of patience, responsibility and virtue.  We cannot even rely on the jaded nature of the workers who have seen the truth to make sure the children are taught.  They know better than anyone that the system does not simply change.  It will not be the relentless march of time or the indifferent neglect of mankind.  It will have to be a massive change, bordering on the nuclear. 

This change would require humanity to recognize patience, compassion, and respect as much of the same core values as capitalism.

No doubt, I love the country that I have had the privilege of living in, but what are the odds that these values are going to change?

First poll: At least one person.

For I will not allow my children to be raised in such a shameful manner.

And hopefully now, dear reader, you will not either.

SUPPOSEDLY if you’ve seen over 70 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you’ve seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list and paste this on your Tumblr. Then, put x’s next to the films you’ve seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.

Teen/Romance:
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) Another Cinderella Story
(x) Step Up
( ) Step Up 2
(x) High School Musical
(x) High School Musical 2
( ) High School Musical 3 
( ) Hannah Montana Movie
( ) Enchanted
( ) Sydney White
Total: 3

( ) She’s The Man
( ) Licensed to Wed
( ) The Break-Up
(x) 13 going on 30
(x) 27 Dresses
( ) P.S I Love You
( ) Made of Honour
(x) What Happens in Vegas
(x) Get Smart
( ) The Princess Brides
Total: 7

( ) Camp Rock
( ) Wild Child
( ) Ella Enchanted
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
( ) 50 First Dates
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Hotel For Dogs
( ) Just Married
(x) Freaky Friday
Total: 8

( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Sleepover
( ) Confessions Of a Shopaholic
(x) Twilight
( ) Nancy Drew
( ) The Devil Wears Prada
( ) No Reservations
(x) Perfect Man
( ) Australia
(x) Never Been Kissed
Total: 8

Comedy/Humour:
(x) Yes Man
( ) Bedtime Stories
( ) The Pink Panther
( ) The Pink Panther 2
( ) Marley & Me
( ) Cheetah Girls
( ) Cheetah Girls 2
( ) Bratz
( ) Haunted Mansion
( ) Paul Blart Mall Cop
Total: 9

( ) The 40-Year-Old Virgin
(x) Night in the Museum

( ) Night in the Museum 2

( ) Evan Almighty
(x) Bruce Almighty
( ) White Chicks
(x) Neverending Story
( ) Meet the Spartans
(x) Meet the Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
Total: 13

(x) Scream
( ) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4 
(x) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 16

Adventures:
(x) Harry Potter 1: The Sorcerer’s Stone
(x) Harry Potter 2: The Secret Chamber
(x) Harry Potter 3: Prisoner of Azkaban
(x) Harry Potter 4: Goblet of Fire
(x) Harry Potter 5: Order of the Phoenix
(x) Harry Potter 6: Half-Blood Prince
(x) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Total: 27

(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
( ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(x) Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull
(x) The Mummy
(x) The Mummy 2 
(x) The Mummy 3
( ) Journey to the Centre of Earth
( ) City of Ember
( ) Finding Neverland
Total: 33

(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Spider Man 3
(x) King Kong
Total: 43

(x) Hellboy
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Underdog
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Batman: The Dark Knight
Total: 52

Action/Thriller:
(x) The Matrix

(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolution
(x) Terminator
(x) Terminator 2
(x) Terminator 3
( ) Ocean’s Eleven
( ) Ocean’s Twelve
( ) Ocean’s Thirteen
( ) Casino Royale 007
Total: 58

(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
(x) Underworld
( ) Butterfly Effect
( ) Death Note
( ) Death Note 2
( ) Death Note 3: L Change the world
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) I, Robot
Total: 64

(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
( ) Rush Hour 3 
(x) Mission Impossible 1
(x) Mission Impossible 2
(x) Mission Impossible 3
(x) I Am Legend
(x) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(x) Signs
Total: 71

Horror:
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) Saw III
( ) Saw IV
( ) Saw V
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
Total: 73

( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3 
(x) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Child’s Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
Total: 75

( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
( ) The Haunted Apartment
( ) Siren
( ) Silent Hill
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
( ) Alone
( ) Omen
( ) House Of Wax
Total: 76

( ) The Eye
( ) The Eye 2
( ) Shutter
( ) When a Stranger calls
( ) The Fog
( ) The Orphanage
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
Total: 76

Cartoons:
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Madagascar
( ) Madagascar 2
(x) Kung Fu Panda
( ) Bolt
(x) Wall-E
(x) Monsters Inc
(x) Shark Tale
Total: 84

(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek 3 
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) ET
(x) Cars
(x) Ratatouille
(x) Toy Story
(x) Toy Story 2
(x) The Incredibles
Total: 94

Inspirational:
( ) Little Miss Sunshine
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Last Dance
(x) To Kill A Mockingbird
( ) Conrack
( ) Midnight Sun
( ) Little Black Book
( ) Rwanda Genocide
Total: 95

Classics:
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Titanic
(x) Romeo & Juliet
( ) Frankenstein
( ) A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Total: 98